God IS unconditional love. His grace extends generously and freely to all, through the work Christ did on the cross. I can accept that as being wholly truth… in my head! Several websites that have been very helpful in this search are www.lifestream.org and http://www.truefaced.com/blog/ . But what about my returning that love without conditions or expectations???

Here is the rub! I believe that we as humans (fallen) are unable to do this. We each carry damage of one sort or another. I think that in order to give unconditional love, we must first be able to accept/trust that we are loved unconditionally. I mean, this trust needs to get from my head down into the depths of my being as a deep-rooted conviction, that God has my back and is caring for me… no matter what my circumstances look like right now. I know this is possible, because I have heard (on blogs and online journals and books) others speak of it with conviction, without judgment and with a deep sense of “inner stability” in the midst of their own terrible pain. This kind of trust is difficult because of the damage that we each carry. Damage causes us to put up walls and to put on masks (to supposedly protect us against more pain) and to accuse and judge ~ both ourselves and others. I believe that the spiritual journey is the process by which we each dismantle the walls and masks, brick by brick, section by section. With each step in the process, as more dismantling takes place, we are able to trust God more and more with our own well-being. How is that evidenced??? From my perspective, it is in the ability to set aside blame when “stuff” happens, blame both of ourselves and of others. Through our pain, we are able to see their pain and give grace and forgiveness. We are also able to forgive ourselves for our own failures, seek what it is that we are to learn from the experience and move on with confidence that God is in the midst of it all.

As I said… this is what the spiritual journey is all about. It is a continuum, from total damage to total trust. Each of us is on a different spot along the continuum. God moves each of us along at different rates, working within the circumstances of our lives.  Some people begin with far more damage than others will ever even consider.  Sadly, some folks never progress very far ~ even, I would suggest, some who “claim” to be spiritually mature.

The part of all of this that I haven’t quite grasped is, “what is my role in all of this? How do I move from a blame and guilt based view of life’s circumstances, to one of utter trust that God is working in the midst?” I don’t think it is something that I can do on my own. I can’t somehow “conjure up” the will to trust God when things aren’t going well. So, what can I do?? I have concluded that it is up to God. I have asked to have the eyes to see and the ears to hear how He loves me, day to day, in the smallest events and happenings. (I still can’t see it). I don’t know. Perhaps right now the circumstances are too painful for me to be able to see His love through them. (That doesn’t seem right. Others have lived through far worse circumstances than mine and still been able to trust God). What I don’t understand is why, when I have specifically asked, does God not choose to reach through that and simply allow me to see it?? I want to see His love. Instead, all I see is his “purifying” as judgment and condemnation.

So there it is. I hope one day that I will be able to look back and see something good out of all of this. I hope that will help me to look at “today” whatever that looks like, whatever is happening right then and to “remember” that God does have my back. I hope that I can look back and see that indeed I have made small steps along my spiritual journey through all of the angst and agony we are now enduring. I hope that I come through this with an increased ability to trust God (rather than feeling like I need to take care of myself because He surely isn’t). Time will tell.

I am disappointed with God.  I have lost hope for His help.  I do not understand the purpose of this angst.  And I am exhausted.

I have a whole list of “topics” around this time that I wanted to share, but right now I am just too wrung out to write more.

In 2005 I came across a website (with a number of articles and much information) that highlighted the research done by Katherine Benzinger on Thinking Styles and how we can be “manipulated” into becoming a “false” version of who we really are.    When this happens, we experience the same low-level constant influx of stress hormones in the body that I described in the last post.  It also occurred to me that a line from the last post also fits here exactly.  The pain that results from a child not being able to attach to a parent in the unconditional way we were designed to be loved and accepted.

In Benziger’s words… “Individuation can be understood as the inner process of seeking wholeness, while holding true to one’s natural gifts and natural lead functions.  Falsification of Type is an inner psychological process in which a person identifies increasingly with attributes and competencies which are not part and parcel of their natural self, but which are useful to the ego in that they are validated, accepted or rewarded in the person’s environment more than the attributes and competencies more tightly tied to the person’s true self.”

What does all this mean??  Our child self needs to be nurtured and attached to with unconditional love and acceptance.  Rarely does this happen.  Instead, expectations for behaviour, thoughts and even what we choose to do are placed on us either unwittingly, or perhaps even knowingly by the people in authority around us.  So, we become more and more like what we perceive is desired of us and function less and less who we truly are.   I believe more of us live in this state than not!

What we don’t realize is that functioning in quadrants (there are 4) that are not our natural strength takes up to 100x the energy and oxygen that it requires us to function in our area of natural competency.  So when we function much of the time in the “wrong” quadrants, it ends up taking a physical toll on our body.  Not only that, but the resulting feelings (generally buried) of “unauthenticity” cause an internal resistance in the body that again leads to production of the stressor hormones we keep talking about.   This internal resistance is both physiological and psychological.  All of this will lead to fatigue and poor concentration.

Here’s my own example…. discovered in the past 5 years and re-emphasized with my last “termination”.   I am by nature an intuitive.  I am able to see the connection between many different things and how they all fit together.  (Like Falsifying Type and When the Body Says No).   I am able to figure out ways to do things better.  I am a changer, a grower and a big picture thinker.  I also by nature, want to see people grow.  I want to see people working together to build each other and build a better world.  These are very right-brained functions.  (Although some parts of my life are very ordered ~ I like the dishes stacked just so ~ in general, I am a messy person, a piler and I leave things out until I am completely done with them ~ sometimes I never get done!!)

So I took a job as an Exec. Dir. thinking that I could “hire out” for those areas of significant weakness, both in experience and competency.  Instead  I ended up doing very left-brained functioning most of the time.  This was due in part to being a “one man show” in a failing economy and an organization that had in some senses lost its way.   Because it sucked so much of my energy (to complete the left-brain functions such as book-keeping, processing registrations and trying to keep an office organized ~ remember I am a piler not a filer), I literally had no energy left for any right brained stuff (visioning, creating, growing).  In addition, I inherited a staff that did not want growth and/or creating and so I ended up in a world of organizational political manipulation, infighting and general disunity.   It killed me.   And in the end, although they could see it first and terminated me, the immediate relief I felt to have that weight removed was very telling.

What is interesting to me is that if you look at my resume, many of the jobs on it are administrative (left-brained) jobs.  Why?? I was “programmed” to believe that’s what I was good at.  And in some ways I am.  I can come in and “revamp” office systems to store and retrieve more, better information.  I can set up great filing systems where everyone can find what they need at a moment’s notice.   BUT I CAN’T KEEP THEM MAINTAINED!!!  Repetitive data entry is the most boring thing in the world to me.   And it just drains me to have to do it day after day after day.

So now I know.   It was Benziger’s work that first alerted me to the fact that I was an intuitive.  I had always had trouble with Myers-Briggs personality tests, perhaps because I did my degree in science, and I am an observer, so I answered the questions as a Sensor instead of a Thinker.    When I was finished those tests (did it a couple of times) I never felt like it quite completely fit who I was.  Now I know why.  I would be interested in taking Benziger’s Thinking Styles Assessment which is similar to Myer’s-Briggs but is somehow able to overcome the “falsifying” factor.  But it costs money and right now I don’t have any.

And it was my last two jobs (both office, data entry type roles) that have confirmed for me how deeply I am a creator and how important it is to me to have a collaborative workplace where employees are built up, appreciated and allowed to do what they do best and encouraged to grow.  Now to find a job that fits that bill!!

Whatever the cause of your ongoing low-level stress (where do you feel it?  In your head, in your gut, in your shoulders or back), it is imperative to recognize it and at least try to do something about it.  Or YOUR BODY WILL EVENTUALLY SAY NO!!

Anyways… if you are interested in more information about Benziger, you can find her at http://www.benziger.org/.  There are a number of articles on the site for free and she also has a book (which I would like to own some day).

This knowledge has made me more aware of my own body responses to long term low-level stress.   This past week I had the opportunity to “get away”.  I drove with a friend who was moving to Saskatchewan (from Southern Ontario) and was able to letterbox along the way.  So for a week I was focused 1. on helping to make the trip as manageable as possible for my friend and then 2. where could I stop to plant and find letterboxes.  Each night in the hotel I was carving new stamps to plant the next day (I had the pics all ready to go before the trip) and then along the way I had my lap desk out and I was stamping into logbooks, finishing taping up boxes and putting the info pockets into the lids so I would be ready for each letterbox as we neared the appropriate location for each.  In other words…. just living “for the moment”.  On Saturday evening I flew home and Mom & Dad picked me up at the airport.

On Sunday, as I drove home from Mom & Dad’s, I could feel the stress descending on me.  Not from coming home…. I was really looking forward to seeing Mark and Alex.   But from the lack of money, the creditors calling regularly, the looming bankruptcy and mostly from the lack of any end to it in the form of a job I can do well, and without stress.

So…. that is the long and the short of it.  Is it possible to have life without stress?  It has been my entire existence… not deep, tragic stress, but low level stress from constantly trying to please others and never succeeding.  To do that, I have suppressed who I am…. the real me!  I have never been “good enough”.  Oh, it may have looked on the outside like I was doing OK, but on the inside, the inconsistencies of having to reject what I really believe (about treatment of people, about fairness, about consensus and agreement reaching) in favor of manipulation, power mongering and organizational politics and maneuvering for favor have had a long term effect on my soul!!  This has been the case not only in my work life, but also in my church life.

So the question is, is there a solution to this low-level constant stress.  Well… Gabor Mate has a set of 7 healing principals.  (You’ll have to get the book to find out what they are).    I personally struggle with his approach.   You see it all comes from within you.  And I just don’t have it within me to will myself positive.  (OK, his principals aren’t that simplistic, and maybe I should look at them a little closer).  My problem is that I feel like some of the solution needs to happen externally.  OK, the real truth is that I am looking to God for some resolution.  And I’m not getting it.  It all comes down to living as a beloved child of God.  And for me, right now, I am unable to separate that from my external circumstances.  How is God loving me when I’m in this state of unemployment, bankruptcy, etc???  How do I live loved when He is not helping me?  (I will write more about living loved and what I believe ~ in my head ~ to be truth.  For now, check out www.lifestream.org and the podcasts at www.thegodjourney.com.  Wayne Jacobsen has permanently changed my perspective on who God is and what His character is like.  Now if I could just live it!!)

So I guess in the end, that’s what I’m expecting.  A continued existence of low-level, ongoing stress.  I expect to be under financial stress until I can finally get a job.  I expect my next job to be no better than any of the last ones (in terms of feeding that constant stress).  I expect to not be able to do much of the things that feed my soul ~ like chickens, gardens, letterboxing, etc ~ because of lack of finances and/or time.  I just don’t expect life to get much better.   And perhaps in the end, I expect to succumb to some terminal disease because of it.  This is not a huge outward expectation, just a deep low-level ongoing gut feeling.

Now doesn’t that sound dismal?

There continues to be within me a vague sense of hope that somehow things might get better.  I HOPE for a job that matches who I am.  I HOPE that we might win the lottery and not have to worry about finances.  I HOPE that we can stay right where we are and enjoy the chickens, the gardens and the walks.  I HOPE that God loves me enough to change my circumstances in a way that I am totally unable to do.  These are vague hopes and nowhere near expectations.   All I can do is say…. we will see.  We will just see.

And in the meantime, the low-level stress continues to flood my body with stress hormones that are not doing me any good physically.  As Job said…. woe is me!!!  (OK, maybe it wasn’t Job??)

This just came into my in box.  It goes right along with what I’ve just been musing about.

i.  God is three-in-one ~ Abba Father, Son/Jesus and Holy Spirit in eternal community/relationship

ii. God contains all the characteristics of both male and female, and is neither/both/all.  However, for me it is most comfortable to refer to God using the pronoun He, His, Him.  I don’t yet understand why, but She feels very uncomfortable to me, although I believe God encompasses all female characteristics as well as male.

iii. God is creator of universe and humanity ~ the process is likely a combination of existing theories (including the Biblical story, evolution or something completely different) but He is the designer and creator.

iv. Sin separated humanity from intimate relationship with God (ie. perfect community)

v. Jesus death on the cross provided the cure for sin and enabled God to re-establish intimacy with humanity (ie. perfect community)

vi. God is in relentless pursuit of an intimate love relationship with us, to include us in the perfect love relationship(s) he already has within the Godhead.

vii. The Bible is the story of God’s relentless pursuit of mankind throughout history.  We learn about his character from the Bible.

viii. God continues to speak to us individually, through the Bible, through others, through things we read and within our hearts (consciousness, soul).

ix. Life is a journey to “know” God’s love personally, to respond to God’s passionate pursuit for relationship and to be healed of life’s brokenness by his love.

Currently we are living at 158 Forty Hills Rd., Lion’s Head, ON  (Our mailing address is 158 Forty Hills Rd., RR#4, Lion’s Head, ON N0H 1W0).  We “purchased” (well in reality the bank owns it but our names are on the ownership) the property/house in October 2007.  Here are a few pics.   They show the “before” (ie. before we moved in and I started putting stuff around).  Also, they mowed ALOT of lawn….. I have not mowed nearly so much.  I was HOPING to put up fences and have llamas to keep it all eaten down, but that has not happened.  In the pictures you can see our house and shed/garage.

Currently I (Gwen) am unemployed and looking again for suitable employment.  With this in mind we are considering that it is likely we will again have to move in this coming year.  Too bad…. we really like this place.