Not long ago a friend of mine blogged about her own personal challenge to love God without conditions. I had already been “contemplating” along these lines and her entry only fueled my own thought processes. Here are some of my conclusions.
God IS unconditional love. His grace extends generously and freely to all, through the work Christ did on the cross. I can accept that as being wholly truth… in my head! Several websites that have been very helpful in this search are www.lifestream.org and http://www.truefaced.com/blog/ . But what about my returning that love without conditions or expectations???
Here is the rub! I believe that we as humans (fallen) are unable to do this. We each carry damage of one sort or another. I think that in order to give unconditional love, we must first be able to accept/trust that we are loved unconditionally. I mean, this trust needs to get from my head down into the depths of my being as a deep-rooted conviction, that God has my back and is caring for me… no matter what my circumstances look like right now. I know this is possible, because I have heard (on blogs and online journals and books) others speak of it with conviction, without judgment and with a deep sense of “inner stability” in the midst of their own terrible pain. This kind of trust is difficult because of the damage that we each carry. Damage causes us to put up walls and to put on masks (to supposedly protect us against more pain) and to accuse and judge ~ both ourselves and others. I believe that the spiritual journey is the process by which we each dismantle the walls and masks, brick by brick, section by section. With each step in the process, as more dismantling takes place, we are able to trust God more and more with our own well-being. How is that evidenced??? From my perspective, it is in the ability to set aside blame when “stuff” happens, blame both of ourselves and of others. Through our pain, we are able to see their pain and give grace and forgiveness. We are also able to forgive ourselves for our own failures, seek what it is that we are to learn from the experience and move on with confidence that God is in the midst of it all.
As I said… this is what the spiritual journey is all about. It is a continuum, from total damage to total trust. Each of us is on a different spot along the continuum. God moves each of us along at different rates, working within the circumstances of our lives. Some people begin with far more damage than others will ever even consider. Sadly, some folks never progress very far ~ even, I would suggest, some who “claim” to be spiritually mature.
The part of all of this that I haven’t quite grasped is, “what is my role in all of this? How do I move from a blame and guilt based view of life’s circumstances, to one of utter trust that God is working in the midst?” I don’t think it is something that I can do on my own. I can’t somehow “conjure up” the will to trust God when things aren’t going well. So, what can I do?? I have concluded that it is up to God. I have asked to have the eyes to see and the ears to hear how He loves me, day to day, in the smallest events and happenings. (I still can’t see it). I don’t know. Perhaps right now the circumstances are too painful for me to be able to see His love through them. (That doesn’t seem right. Others have lived through far worse circumstances than mine and still been able to trust God). What I don’t understand is why, when I have specifically asked, does God not choose to reach through that and simply allow me to see it?? I want to see His love. Instead, all I see is his “purifying” as judgment and condemnation.
So there it is. I hope one day that I will be able to look back and see something good out of all of this. I hope that will help me to look at “today” whatever that looks like, whatever is happening right then and to “remember” that God does have my back. I hope that I can look back and see that indeed I have made small steps along my spiritual journey through all of the angst and agony we are now enduring. I hope that I come through this with an increased ability to trust God (rather than feeling like I need to take care of myself because He surely isn’t). Time will tell.
