Recently, Mark and I read a book by Gabor Mate called “When the Body Says No”. I was struck particularly by the physical consequences of long-term suppression of emotions and feelings ~ of denying your own needs to find acceptance from others. In the book, this was mostly the result of repressing the pain of the past ~ usually from emotional, physical or sexual abuse. The pain that results from a child not being able to attach to a parent in the unconditional way we were designed to be loved and accepted. The immediate result is a release of low levels of stress hormones into the body systems. This constant release of hormones (chemicals) that are not meant to be constants in the body system will in the end have dire physical consequences. And the sad thing is… you will never experience truly unconditional love and acceptance from anyone on this earth!!
This knowledge has made me more aware of my own body responses to long term low-level stress. This past week I had the opportunity to “get away”. I drove with a friend who was moving to Saskatchewan (from Southern Ontario) and was able to letterbox along the way. So for a week I was focused 1. on helping to make the trip as manageable as possible for my friend and then 2. where could I stop to plant and find letterboxes. Each night in the hotel I was carving new stamps to plant the next day (I had the pics all ready to go before the trip) and then along the way I had my lap desk out and I was stamping into logbooks, finishing taping up boxes and putting the info pockets into the lids so I would be ready for each letterbox as we neared the appropriate location for each. In other words…. just living “for the moment”. On Saturday evening I flew home and Mom & Dad picked me up at the airport.
On Sunday, as I drove home from Mom & Dad’s, I could feel the stress descending on me. Not from coming home…. I was really looking forward to seeing Mark and Alex. But from the lack of money, the creditors calling regularly, the looming bankruptcy and mostly from the lack of any end to it in the form of a job I can do well, and without stress.
So…. that is the long and the short of it. Is it possible to have life without stress? It has been my entire existence… not deep, tragic stress, but low level stress from constantly trying to please others and never succeeding. To do that, I have suppressed who I am…. the real me! I have never been “good enough”. Oh, it may have looked on the outside like I was doing OK, but on the inside, the inconsistencies of having to reject what I really believe (about treatment of people, about fairness, about consensus and agreement reaching) in favor of manipulation, power mongering and organizational politics and maneuvering for favor have had a long term effect on my soul!! This has been the case not only in my work life, but also in my church life.
So the question is, is there a solution to this low-level constant stress. Well… Gabor Mate has a set of 7 healing principals. (You’ll have to get the book to find out what they are). I personally struggle with his approach. You see it all comes from within you. And I just don’t have it within me to will myself positive. (OK, his principals aren’t that simplistic, and maybe I should look at them a little closer). My problem is that I feel like some of the solution needs to happen externally. OK, the real truth is that I am looking to God for some resolution. And I’m not getting it. It all comes down to living as a beloved child of God. And for me, right now, I am unable to separate that from my external circumstances. How is God loving me when I’m in this state of unemployment, bankruptcy, etc??? How do I live loved when He is not helping me? (I will write more about living loved and what I believe ~ in my head ~ to be truth. For now, check out www.lifestream.org and the podcasts at www.thegodjourney.com. Wayne Jacobsen has permanently changed my perspective on who God is and what His character is like. Now if I could just live it!!)
So I guess in the end, that’s what I’m expecting. A continued existence of low-level, ongoing stress. I expect to be under financial stress until I can finally get a job. I expect my next job to be no better than any of the last ones (in terms of feeding that constant stress). I expect to not be able to do much of the things that feed my soul ~ like chickens, gardens, letterboxing, etc ~ because of lack of finances and/or time. I just don’t expect life to get much better. And perhaps in the end, I expect to succumb to some terminal disease because of it. This is not a huge outward expectation, just a deep low-level ongoing gut feeling.
Now doesn’t that sound dismal?
There continues to be within me a vague sense of hope that somehow things might get better. I HOPE for a job that matches who I am. I HOPE that we might win the lottery and not have to worry about finances. I HOPE that we can stay right where we are and enjoy the chickens, the gardens and the walks. I HOPE that God loves me enough to change my circumstances in a way that I am totally unable to do. These are vague hopes and nowhere near expectations. All I can do is say…. we will see. We will just see.
And in the meantime, the low-level stress continues to flood my body with stress hormones that are not doing me any good physically. As Job said…. woe is me!!! (OK, maybe it wasn’t Job??)
This just came into my in box. It goes right along with what I’ve just been musing about.
